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Making plans
We were lying in bed on our sides facing each other this morning, talking about plans to move out and find places of our own. It didn't seem so sad this time for some reason. 'I think of us as being single now,' he said, 'how about you?' 'Yeah, I do. But in a funny sort of way.' He laughed and lifted the duvet to have a quick peek underneath. 'You mean funny in the sense that we're in the same bed and you don't seem to have any clothes on?!' I laughed too. 'Indeed! Slightly strange.' And yet entirely normal. 'If only this was a two bedroom flat,' I added. But then we decided that that really would be weird. He'll miss my PC. I'll miss his Sky...and him. 'Will you still be my cinema buddy?' he asked. 'Of course, if you'll come over for take-aways sometimes.' I replied. 'Until we each have new partners I guess.' 'Fuck that! If any new bloke of mine tells me I'm not to see my best friend then he can fuck right off!' 'But you can see where he'd be coming from.' I admitted that I did, but stood by my word all the same. I can be stubborn. We went into town together this afternoon and I couldn't resist reaching for his hand as we wandered down Queen Street. I still love him. |
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Seasons Greetings!
Well, here it is again, Christmas Eve. I've just read over my entry this time last year. Where's the year gone? It seems like only yesterday that I was sitting at home typing away at that blog entry. I'm trying to be happy but the tears have come on several occasions this morning already. I've discovered that pressing a fingernail sharply into the top of my thumb stops the urge to cry. Biting on my tongue has the same effect. It may sound strange, but it stopped that horrid choking feeling that you get when you feel as though you're going to cry. It worked for me anyway. Having said that the new Red Hot Chili Peppers song has put me in a fine mood. Love it! I couldn't stay at the Christmas party long on Friday. I kept thinking about how he should have been there and it upset me terribly. I kept having to leave the table to have a quick weep in the foyer. There was a small sofa near the lifts in the hotel which was handy. I decided after the 3rd time of rushing out to dab my eyes that it might be best if I left so I just disappeared. I raced to the other side of town and found AH and his mates who'd been out for a blokey meal somewhere. It took my mind off things. I had a lot to drink, and then more back at a houseparty. Oh wel, it's Christmas. The boyfriend has left for Leicester this morning and I kept clinging on to him as if I'd never see him again. I keep trying to tell myself that things are normal and ok, and that maybe we ought to try and make it work. But I think it's beyond that. As for me, I'm catching a train home at 2pm. The last train home I think. I've got a ridiculous amount of presents in bags so I hope it's not too busy. I'm looking forward to being with family, but it's all tinged with this horrible sadness. Happy Christmas all. x |
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As the rush comes
I've discovered the delights of the 'ecstatic experience' as I call it, and have been in the company of the same bloke on every occasion so far. One of AH's friends. I'm addicted to both I think, the 'experience' and the bloke in question. Nothing's happened. We've just been together through my high. I felt him watching me, and then he held me. I'm meeting him on Friday after the office party. He's got pills sorted at my request. What the hell am I doing?! |
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Uncanny
To continue with the music-video theme to today's blog entries, the guy in Nelly Furtado's All Good Things video looks uncannily like Flirtatious G. Now if that doesn't start feeding my imagination I don't know what will. |
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Who's Your Daddy?
I was flicking through the music channels last night and stopped at the FHM one. On came the uncut version of Benny Benassi's Who's Your Daddy video. Bloody hell! I just couldn't help but watch. Male readers, you might want to take a look at it... |
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The end
We're splitting up. If it's the right thing to do, why does it feel so bad? Why is my heart so heavy? Why does it feel so alien and wrong? But it is the right thing to do, we both know it. I'm drunk. I'm sitting here swaying. I feel wretched. 'Two hearts living in two separate worlds.' That's about right. We are. In two separate worlds. 'Cold, cold heart.' That's mine. It shouldn't be like that should it. |
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Psychometric test
I just did a psychometric test which I found on Katja's blog, and by Jove it's accurate...apart from the stylish, trendy and modern bit. Oh, and I don't have an iPod, and I can't say that I'm all that interested in gadgets and gizmos. Well, apart from my GHD straighteners of course, but then I have a feeling they don't quite count. Anyway, enough with the waffle. Here's the report... 'Friendly and fun is how your friends would describe you. Life is for living in the fast track and you could give lessons on this to most everyone. You can be seen making a mad rush from, thing to thing, and may need to spend a little more time to get in touch with your more reflective side. Yes I know reflection is boring for you as it means denying yourself some more interesting pursuits. You have loads of acquaintances, some of whom you would count as close friends. Your need is to be surrounded with bright cheery people and you avoid anyone whom you designate as boring. Anyone you deem as too serious gets filed away as dull and inflexible. If you were to give them some time you might just discover your shadow personality! You are a party lover and will be out on the town as often as finances, relationships and circumstances allow. You do not often turn down an invitation especially if it is to somewhere new and very “NOW” Not for you an ivory tower, you like people and would wilt if you were deprived of company for any length of time. You are stylish and enjoy fashion and anything trendy and modern. You are usually the first to have the very latest gizmo. Updating your mobile phone or I-tunes is a regular occurrence. You like a challenge and may be attracted by someone with a different maybe quieter personality and pursue them just for the chase. If they don’t then want to do all the exciting things that you do, you will get bored again.' I don't know if I quite like how accurate that is. Makes me seem very insecure, and shallow. Probably right! |
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